Pose-wear

Alongside my love of frocks I also have a love of swimwear.

Following the popularity of brands such as Anne Summers and Victoria Secrets there hadn’t really been many swimwear designers that challenged their level of success and popularity and after a time I found their designs to be becoming more and more boring (Victoria Secrets) or tacky (Anne Summers). I was dying for an alternative.

Then came along Agent Provocateur. The name said it all: sex, romance, mystery and an abundance of glamour. It was all of the things I was looking for in lingerie and swimwear, but the only problem was: The Price.

These teeny tiny items of clothing were very expensive and seemed to  be eternally out of reach for someone who couldn’t (and didn’t want to), spend £80 on a bra and £300 on a bikini.

It was very frustrating as I loved all of their products and didn’t see why they had to be charging such extortionate prices for scanty wares. Recently Agent Provocateur had an online sale so I looked on their website in the hope that their prices become a little more reasonable. There was one swimsuit in particular I’d had my eye on:

 

Dakota

Now I realise that a lot of people (indeed the majority of people), wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable wearing this swimsuit but it’s exactly the kind of swimwear I like and I would feel absolutely fantastic wearing it, alas it was £225. £225 for something that I’m probably only going to wear for a few hours in a day on holiday?? – I realise that they are trying to make a statement about their outfits exclusive but c’mon. Is it really worth £225? – I doubt it.

Neeeext 

Then I saw this:

Lexxi Swimsuit

And I absolutely adored the striking cobalt blue colour of the swimsuit aswell as the unique bandage style design.  Yes please! Price? – Oh, not much, just a mere £245!

REALLY Agent Provocateur?!

So, I found myself back to square one again and back to my beloved Asos which at the very least would have more reasonable options, and of course more variety. Almost immediately upon clicking onto there swimwear section I saw this:

glamarama

Price? – £55. I purchased immediately. For me, in the age where you can get swimwear for £16, an £55 swimsuit is reasonably expensive so considering a swimsuit for more then 4 times the cost of what is already an expensive swimsuit is a ridiculous concept, particularly when as you can see this £55 version is also very striking to look at (and was designed in Australia, surprise surprise!)

So, what happened when I received said costume? – Well, I tried it on and was suitably impressed with the fit, the colour (a beautiful emerald green), and it’s design. Definitely a keeper. But what’s this on the tag I can see? – I looked closer and upon inspection I could see a warning telling me to (what is this?): Do not wear in water.

Erm, I felt the need to check the description of the item of clothing: Ahh yes, A SWIMSUIT. But hold on let me read that warning label again: DO NOT WEAR IN WATER.

What kind of foolishness of this? What do you mean I cannot wear a suit to swim in?

In my absolute horror at a level of stupidity that I had never accounted before in my quest for fashion relief, I logged online immediately to check the information that Asos had on their website for the usage of this pose-wear aka parade-wear aka sunbathing wear aka poncing about-wear masquerading as swimwear and all it said was:

  • Stretch bandage fabric (check)
  • plunge design (check)
  • cut-out detailing (check)
  • hook and hoop fastenings (check)
  • flattering brief cut (check)
  • hand wash (slightly odd but check)
  • 100% polyester (a little unusual but check)

There was absolutely NO MENTION whatsoever of something that is ultimately very crucial to someone who is looking for a suit to swim in the sea.  And guess what? – they even had the audacity to show the model with WET hair whilst wearing it. Why would her hair be wet? Or is that just sweat?..

It is only when you look further (in another tab entitled Info), when you see the same warning: To get the best from your bandage beachwear we advise you do not wear it in water.

Well, blow me down! This advice is closer to the true description: bandage beachwear. But to describe it as being swimwear and then tell me that I cannot swim in it is ridiculous beyond belief. I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Deceit: I do not take kindly to deceit particularly when it’s at my expense and when I’m time poor. I don’t have time to look for another swimming costume, and neither do I have the desire. However I am delaying sending it back because I do like it first I’d like someone to tell me the following:

Who on earth would parade around in a swimming costume that cannot be worn in the water? Who on earth would buy a swimming costume that cannot be worn in the water?

Who on earth came up with this ridiculous, vanity inducing design?

What on earth will happen if I wear this thing in the water? – will it disintegrate? fade? shrink?

A dress at least has a function, as does lingerie, jeans etc. but what exactly is the function of this outfit? I’ll tell you what it is – tis POSING. I don’t have time for that nonsense! And I most certainly do not want to spend MORE on something that has LESS value. The idea that I would be sunbathing in this pose-wear only to have to change into a bikini or swimming costume so that I can cool off or swim is ridiculous. Is this what the world has come to? Goodness Gracious.

I have complained to Asos about this and the customer service agent wasn’t very sympathetic to my plight at first but when he actually saw the thing he agreed that it was indeed one of the silliest things he’d heard. They are meant to be getting back to me today with an answer as to what exactly will happen to the garment if I wear it in water. The reason as to why such a product even exists is something that only the designer will ever know…

 

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