The Perils of Online Dating

The Perils of Online Dating


My sister’s been on a few dates recently. After she broke up with her waste of space boyfriend a few months ago she decided to take her chances and try out “the online dating thing”. Now, I met my boyfriend on Match so I’m a big supporter of SOME online dating websites (and when used correctly I think they can be quite successful), so I encouraged my sister to give it a try. She was determined to use her time as efficiently as possible and maximise her chances of finding a decent candidate by registering with a few dating sites simultaneously including, EHarmony and another one called Elite Singles. So far she had been on quite a few dates and none of them were worth writing home about but what they DID have in common was that they had all had provided some form of much needed hilarity and amusement to the proceedings. My amusement in particular.

Some of the guys had been dullards, some had been vain, some had been dunce, but they ALL had been entertaining, and none more so then the last.

My sister wasn’t all that keen on this particular guy as he was outside of her desired age range and bordering on 50 years old (almost 14 years her senior!), yet despite her making it abundantly clear on her profile she did not wish to date a 50 year old he was persistent so in the end she caved and agreed to go on a date with him. When I asked her what he was like she told me that he seemed nice enough and had written a reasonably good description about himself. Apparently, he lived in nearby South Croydon which was pretty convenient.

She spoke to him for a few weeks online first and then upgraded him to her “date line” (a pay as you go phone she had acquired to use specifically for her dates). After speaking to him for awhile on the phone she concluded that there was a possibility that he had some “insecurity issues” based on a few telltale things he’d said but she decided that she wasn’t going to hold it against him as she thought that he may have just been nervous at the time and perhaps he would be a little more relaxed once they had met in person. She showed me a picture of him and I established straightaway that he was clearly battling middle age spread as he was buffed up to capacity. It was evident that he been spending quite a lot of time in the gym pump pump pumping himself up in order to appear fit. It was not a look I desired.

Aside from the fact that he was a relatively good looking man and didn’t really look his age, I too had my concerns that vanity, and therefore insecurity was within him.


My sister and her date were due to meet at a restaurant in a hotel in Croydon. I was guessing that he had picked this location because it was mutually convenient for them both, but I did think that it was very strange that he had picked a hotel for their first date and I was struggling to imagine a hotel restaurant located in Croydonia that was fit for dating purposes!

I wasn’t being a snob, or trying to insult the guys choices, I was just a little doubtful and figured that if this place was so good, surely I would have heard about it?! Alas he was singing the praises of this particular establishment and claiming that the food was excellent. He had told my sister previously that he wasn’t much of a spicy food eater (which cancelled out African food, Caribbean food, Indian Food, Mexican food and my favourite: Thai food) which meant that the food in they would be eating would probably either be English or Mediterranean (or bland as the case maybe!).

He asked my sister whether she was going to be driving there. She told him that she was so would meet him in the hotel’s foyer/reception (as normal people do). He said that he would rather meet her in the hotel car park!. What do you mean you want to meet in the carpark? – Meet in a CARPARK, in the dead of the night, on a first date?? – I don’t think so mate.

But this guy refused to take no for an answer and proceeded to try and INSIST that they meet in the car park, claiming that the reception area got too busy?? Fool. Thankfully my sister stood her ground telling him that she’d meet him at the front of the hotel and that was that. He wasn’t keen but he had to lump it.

When she arrived at the hotel, she began parking her car up and then suddenly this car came out of nowhere, circled all the way AROUND her car and then came to a standstill opposite her blazing their headlights on FULL BEAM into her startled face.  Then they drove around her car again and placed themselves directly next to hers. My sister was sitting there wondering what on earth this idiotic person was playing at!

A few seconds afterwards the car drove off and went and parked somewhere else even though there was clearly an available space where it had just been.

My sister changed her shoes and went into the hotel/restaurant where her date appeared soon thereafter. He was short (around 5’9), stocky and had clearly been pumping himself up to capacity in the gym on a regular basis. My sister said that he was wearing a white shirt but she doesn’t remember whether he was wearing any aftershave, which in my books isn’t a great sign but hey ho. They went in.

Previously, the guy had been banging on about the restaurant, telling her that he often ate there as the food was very good ALAS, she reported to me, this food establishment that he had been waffling on about was infact a BUFFET. The fool had taken my sister to a BUFFET!!! When she told me this I couldn’t quite contain my horror. I detest buffet at the best of times but for a first date, in Croydon – are you out of your bloody mind??!

Needless to say my sister was not very impressed by this buffet lark but fortunately she was able to contain her disappointment much more effectively then I would have been able to. She stayed. I wouldn’t have been going in there. End of.

So they went to the table where he was looking at her quite strangely. Perhaps he was hungry? But he told her that he wasn’t that hungry and wouldn’t be eating much because he only ate a lot on gym days and he hadn’t gone to the gym today. FOOL.

Let’s not even go there on why despite his not being hungry he had decided to choose to frequent a buffet of all places because I think we have clearly established by now that we were dealing with a dunce of extreme proportions. So, my sister got up to dish up her food (as you do), but he got up immediately after her. She was spooning some of the food onto her plate when suddenly she felt a PRESENCE beside her. She felt a PRESENCE because this raggedy man had pushed up himself next to her – RIGHT next to her, and then he proceeded to try and put his arm around her waist whilst she was trying to scoop her all you can eat food into her plate. What the hell?! She swiftly moved over to the next buffet section only to find that yet again he IMPRESSED himself upon her, trying to grab at her waist in his no doubt pathetic attempt at seduction.

What is this fool on??

When they sat down to eat he proceeded to waffle on about: how much money he was making, how well he was doing, how successful he was, how much he spent on gifts, his millionaire friends, his luxury lifestyle, his luxurious goods, his fancy house, his wonderful taste, his beautiful car, his top of the range kitchen, his 6 figure sums, the properties he owned, the holidays he’d enjoyed, the places he’d been.

He was banging on and on and on and on and I really could not comprehend for the life of me why on earth this man, or any man for that matter, would think that a woman of substance and intelligence would care a jot about what material possessions that grown man had in his ownership. This man was pushing 50 for goodness sake! It was utterly inconceivable to me that such a level of dunce and vanity existed and I was horrified that my sister was being exposed to it! Plus, he was putting his puffed up body on her when it wasn’t invited (nor wanted). GO AWAY you abominable man!

Unfortunately,  not only was this man terribly insecure (as seen by his desperation to tell people the size of his bank account), not only was he thick as 2 short planks, not only was he vain (as evidenced by his extreme food habits and puffed up body), but he also didn’t have anything constructive to say on any topic aside from looks and money. In short: The man was bottom of the barrel, dregs of the earth and rather then impressing, he was rapidly depressing.

When my sister got up to go for dessert he exclaimed:

“Where are you going?”

“Erm, I’m going to get dessert…”(please remember that this raggedy guy has taken her to a buffet!)

“Yes, but I’m still eating” he tells her


“You have to wait for me to finish!” he says forcefully. He then proceeds to tell her how rude it is for her to not wait for him to finish eating his food (at a buffet!). What. a. FOOL.

She ignores him and goes up to get her dessert, and he follows her, and what does he do the second she scoops the food onto her plate? -yep, you guessed it, he proceeds to try his leech manoeuvres. This man really is becoming too much to bare!  In the conversation that ensued afterwards he insults my sister by proclaiming (sarcastically) that she’s deep. It is clear from his insistence on talking about base topics that he has no interest in being “deep”, or indeed having any form of an intelligent conversation. He proceeds to say that his brother has a really good relationship. My sister is intrigued and asks how his relationship is good, and he promptly says without a moments hesitation: “His girlfriend looks really good for her age”

“Okay..and what about there relationship?” She probes

“She looks good for her age”. He repeats. And then when he sees my sisters genuinely puzzled expression, he exclaims “They have a good relationship!”

So, as we all suspected, no reason then.

I really cannot believe such a conversation even took place. I cannot believe such a person is walking the earth looking for a date! It is completely diabolical.

After their dinner it soon becomes clear that this wretched dude wishes to prolong there date. He is now suggesting that they have drinks. My sister isn’t keen, however she has yet to find a polite way of declining this horror so she says okay. After one round of drinks she is desperate to leave and go on her way but as they are walking towards the exit he starts to insist that they go for a coffee first. What? – This guy is so insistent (desperate), and my sister is feeling too tired to argue the point with him so she agrees. They go to the bar and she perches herself on a stool.

He sits on the stool next to her then deliberately starts pressing his enlarged knee into her thigh – he was clearly trying to be seductive but he was failing miserably. My sister was finally fed up of his leech antics so she immediately got off the stool and insisted it was time to go.

Once outside the hotel he pointed to a Mercedes, which was the same car that had circled hers in the car park earlier and then said excitedly as if he’d just won the lottery:

“That’s my car! It’s Mercedes! Do you like Mercedes?!”

My sister (realising that he was trying desperately to brag about his material wares yet again and suddenly understanding that he had been trying desperately to show off his vehicle earlier hence the reason he wanted her to meet him in the carpark) says in an expressionless voice “Yes”

He takes this as his cue to go on about the very many reasons why his car is so great,  how much it cost yardah yardah yardah, and then he follows her (without invitation) to her car to have a look at her car in greater detail, which he then proclaims it isn’t good enough as it’s a Nissan. He asks her what made her choose a Nissan (even though it’s a cool, top of the range, brand new Nissan Juke). He then proceeds to sit in her passenger seat (without her invitation) and give her an unwanted review on her car.

What an insufferable cretin.

Needless to say my sisters dating journey continues….


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