Badoo: The hub of the hideous and the illiterate?

I recently joined this website called Badoo. In actuality I was tricked into joining.

Let me explain..

A couple of weeks ago we had a client stroll into the office casual as you like. This wouldn’t have been any different than any other day other than the fact that this particular client was hot. Steaming hot. He looked like an improved version of David Beckham and believe me, I could hardly contain my glee. Nor my lust.

Working in an Architectural practice doesn’t give you many opportunities to view treasure. Treasure doesn’t come around often (if at all) in this office and that’s why it’s so very important to grab it by the hands when it arises.

And so I enquired (in my most innocent enquiring tone I hoped), just who this was this sexy chappie?, what did he do?, which company did he work for? etc, and sure enough one of my colleagues who was actually chairing the meeting approached me and confessed to me that she too was finding it extremely difficult looking upon his splendour across the table whilst they were talking business affairs and the next day she came by my desk with a piece of paper that supposedly had the link to some site that he was on.

Of course at the time I had no idea what kind of site it was. I assumed that maybe it was his direct work website address..but it infact turned out to be a social networking site called Badoo.

Now I’d heard of Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Face-pic, Hi5 etc (hell, I was even registered to a few of them), but I’d never heard of Badoo before.  But considering the Beckham lookalike had an accent which clearly wasn’t British (I guessed Swedish or something like that), I just assumed that maybe it was a Swedish site or something? In anycase I had no intention of joining, I just wanted to peruse (lust over) his pictures 🙂

And so I went to his Badoo profile. At first it wouldn’t let me view any of his pics unless I signed up, but it promised that signing up would be very swift and so I did. But then when I tried to view his profile again it blocked me and said that  in order to view his pics I would need to add not 1, not 2 but 3 pics of my own! TRICKERY!

Now of course I was dubious about doing this. I had absolutely no intention of remaining on this bloody site at all, I just wanted to see the dudes pics for goodness sake!, but there was something about all of these obstacles in my attempt to do something so very basic that was making me even more persistent and determined to get what it was I wanted. And so I added some pics. I felt it was important to go through all of this rigmarole because it wasn’t just my curiosity that was piqued, it was the curiosity of my friends too, for I had assured them, that I had found a David Beckham lookalike treasure and they were very interested to see what he looked like!

BUT after I had sufficiently sated my curiosity and established that no, this dude actually wasn’t that hot at all and I had been slightly over eager in my description of him (probably due to the hunk draught that we have in our offices), I returned to my own very bare profile. There still wasn’t much if any information at all about what this website did or how it was done.

But then…..it came like a flood. Literally.

Messages started popping up on my screen from random dudes all over the place. And they literally wouldn’t stop. POP POP POP POP POP POP POP. Suddenly I was inundated with messages. POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP POP. Now initially, (and clearly because I was extremely bored at the time), this all seemed pretty exciting to me. I mean, was I really in THAT much demand??

I wasn’t even responding to these dudes but they were still flooding my screen with messages. Crazy. Eventually I relented and started having a little harmless tete a tete with a few of them. I wasn’t taking it very seriously at all, I just thought it might be rude of me if I didn’t at least oblige 1 or 2 of them. But the problem was that there weren’t 1 or 2 of them. There was more like 20 or 30, or 40 guys trying to get my attention and these little polite messages that I was sending every so often just wasn’t cutting the mustard. Some of the guys realising that I wasn’t particularly eager to chat with them, were even getting offensive! But still I remained..I was enjoying playing this little game..

before I realised what kind of players were in the game..

Before, I hadn’t been paying much attention to any of them. But then a hottie appeared in the scrum of persistent candidates and he made me wonder whether there was indeed more diamonds in this ruff?..so I decided I’d stay a while to find out.  Afterall, what harm could it do?

The system basically works like an instant messaging tool. There is no inbox per say. People can see whether you are online or not and send you a message whether you want to receive one or not. It can become a little irritating as the messages just keep popping up on your screen, but if someone keeps messaging you and you are becoming annoyed by them of course you can use the old-age routine of ignorance is bliss, or in more irritating cases, you can block the person (this comes particularly in handy when you are getting bombarded with messages from the unwanteds ie: the lesbians and the perves). Also, the messages from members to you come as direct notifications to your personal email inbox which meant that after a short while my inbox was literally at capacity because of all of the messages and had to be cleared asap. THIS is yet another trick to keep you going back onto Badoo.

You can of course always do a search for suitable candidates yourself (rather than wait for them to make a quite unlikely appearance) but I couldn’t be bothered to do that, especially as I wasn’t being given much of a chance to do anything but respond to the incessant streams of messages that were being sent to me.

But when I began to analyse these Badoo members further, I realised that most of them had something in common: They were foreign. Now naturally I have nothing against foreigners, quite the contrary, it’s just when you are lacking in basic English language skills, I don’t really think you have any business trying to chat people up.

The sheer amount of people on who were on there trying to talk to me who were Spanish, Italian, German, French, Brazilian, Algerian, Polish and so on and so forth was positively astounding. They were trying to talk to me and I couldn’t understand hardly a word of what they were saying! They could not string two sentences together yet for some strange reason they thought that it was sexy that they were talking to me in there poor attempt at English, as they assumed that I’d take some kind of weird pleasure at “teaching them English”.

Errr, I’m not a language tutor mate. I’m not here to work! I’m here to locate a LITERATE hunk! Of which you are not!

I was not amused in the slightest. They could not speak, spell, construct a proper sentence, or infact string 2 words together without sounding like an absolute dunce (of which I’m sure SOME of them were not), yet they wanted ME to assist them in there educational plight. I did make it clear to a good few of them that I was not an English teacher but I really don’t think they quite understood the level to my annoyance.

I can’t stand English people who can’t speak English properly, so why on earth would I want to date a foreigner that is struggling to speak the basics?? – again, I have nothing against them and I do infact commend those who can even speak a little English when it’s not there first language as I wouldn’t even attempt to conduct a conversation in any of there languages, but then at the same time I wouldn’t try and chat someone up with my minimal offerings either. Not only this but most of the guys were UGLY AS SIN. Call me shallow but I’m sorry, I do not wish to date someone who makes me feel nauseas. They didn’t want to either, hence why they chose to message me. They don’t, I don’t: Simples.

OLD: Now I don’t mean old as in Grandad old, I mean old as in TOO OLD FOR ME. I do not have anything in common with a 47 year old man and neither should he with me so I can only take such instances when the OLD are trying to converse with me as an indication that they have PERVE TENDANCIES. You know, those guys that trawl the net, the ones who already have fully fledged families at home (complete with a wife, teenage children and oftentimes even grandchildren): I’m not interested mate. You probably have indigestion and heartburn, not to mention a weight problem that manifests itself in your sluggishness, your regular passing of wind and your failure to keep up with my energetic bedroom antics. You probably have a bald patch to boot, like to stay in every weekend and read a book rather than go out to a party and you think that playing Shalamar and George Benson is more pleasing to Jon B and Dwele: It’s not.

We have nothing in common, my family won’t like you and neither will yours like me. My Mum will call you a perve and my Aunts will have your guts for garters. NO, we were not meant to be.

Then you have the midgets. Now, I don’t like short men, never have and probably never will. I know that this is the typical requirement for most women just as it is in men for there women to not be fat. It’s typical but it’s also logical, perfectly understandable and perfectly acceptable. Just why these munchkins think that we can date is beyond my understanding. I have never dated a guy that was shorter then myself (I’m 5’6) and I doubt very much I could bring myself to do so either. I do not want to have to plan my outfits to such an extent so as to not make him look or feel like a midget because he is one. I also do not want to feel like a giraffe and more importantly I do not want to have to bend down in order to give him a kiss or a hug or do my back damage because of his unfortunate physical error.

Yes, of course I feel sorry for the short dudes, but that doesn’t mean that they should punch above there weight. Why on earth are they trying to go for tall women, or even average height women anyway? – YOU ARE SHORT DUDE: Find someone shorter then yourself! You’ll feel like a real man!

The NON SINGLE

I won’t be so ignorant as to assume that only single people should be registered to social networking sites as it’s a social networking site right? (even though some of them are masquerading as that when they really are a infact a DATING site). Alas, what I do expect are for those NON SINGLE to make it CLEAR that they are NON SINGLE and not go around trying to pick up women with total disregard to that fact.

I have been having perfectly good conversations with guys on there only to be told a couple of minutes in (clearly because they initially assumed that I would be an airhead so therefore didn’t deserve to be informed of there marital or non single status) that they were taken. Some even had the audacity to state quite blatantly that even though they were married they were still up for meeting me. Infact they were very eager to meet me. And so I had to wonder, how frequent is this out and out cheating? is it only me? only another girl? just the fantasy of it? – because the fact remains that the net gives people the easiest way to meet up for casual fun. I wonder how many people actually do? – I’ll confess I have thought of doing it myself many a time but then there’s fantasy and there’s reality isn’t there? – particularly when it’s someone else’s respect and honour you are tarnishing.

I am not condoning any married man cheating on his wife whether I feel as though I want him for myself or not. One of the guys I spoke to even claimed to have an “open relationship” with his wife. I had to then ask him if his wife aware of this open relationship?? (I doubted it very much). It seemed pretty clear to me that he was just casually browsing the net, looking for available candidates, devoid of morales, that he could bang on the low low. Well I’m sorry to disappoint mate, but that “candidate” sure as hell aint gonna be me! I don’t have any respect for these types of guys. They are the dregs of the earth as far as I’m concerned. No love.

And then you have the perves…yeah, yeah, I know that most men are perves, I know I know. But I’m talking about SERIOUS perves. The ones that hit up your inbox with a swift:

“Hi gorgeous, do you like big dicks? – wanna see mine?” – and of course my response to that most ludicrous of offerings:

“Yeah sure”  – Well, it’s not everyday you get to see a big dick is it? LOL!

This particular website PROMOTES sexual predatory behaviour as it has a section on it with which you can upload the most offensive, the most grimy, the most sexually suggestive of images and keep them as private unless you want a particular person to see it, and then with a click of a button you can make it available for them to view.

Understandably, and as I’m sure I explained, with the high proportion of the short, the ugly, the illiterate and the old, most of these men frequenting the site (and women too I’m sure), have nothing much else to offer aside from there packages both up top and down below. Therefore, you see alot of them have private photos and will promote the showing them off to a very regular frequency most likely in the hope that someone (anyone) will meet up with them for a quick fumble in the darkness.

And so I viewed. And admittedly there were some that were definitely on the WEIGHTY side, but then there were some that just looked pathetic. And I do mean PATHETIC. And so I have to wonder, seeing as dudes don’t generally get to see each others schlongs, HOW do they judge size?? How do they know whether there’s is just average or whether it is an impressive member worthy of acknowledgement??

– Some of these guys claimed to have a big surprise but when I viewed all I saw was a miniscule smidgen of what I guessed was supposed to be a penis. Some of them were misshapen, some of them were discoloured and some of them were downright unacceptable and should never have received a Kodak moment.

My advice to dudes who wish to show there wares to the world is to either find some way to see a few other pieces of meat and 2 veg first so that you are able to measure up accordingly OR look on the internet for an average size and looker so that you can comparethemarket.com.

This will prevent you from the inevitable laughter and unnecessary internet exposure that I personally will take if something looks odd, and send it to my mates via Hotmail. Be Smart. Be Aware. Or better yet: Put it away!

Badoo from my personal experience really is the hub for the lonely the desperate and the downright thick. I would love to meet someone with which I can exchange a completely normal, literate conversation with but from what I’ve experienced thus far I don’t think that is going to be forthcoming from this particular site.

Still, one can hope eh? 😉

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2 thoughts on “Badoo: The hub of the hideous and the illiterate?

  1. Hear Hear !!!

    Miss Silklafox for President !!!

    and watch out for her up and coming release “Bridezilla: The Tale of a Phsycho Bride”

    … a guaranteed good read in paperback and hard …. in all good bookshops …. SOONISH 😉

  2. Well written, funny, & at points a little disturbing – you should definitely try & write this up for publication. As a guy on the ‘dating train’, I’ve heard the horror stories but this – to my mind at least – was one of the first times I had read a piece that hit the ‘nail on the head’ from the woman’s perspective with such force, irreverence & humour. And I’m not just saying that as part of a charm offensive (although it can’t hurt)…

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